Because the vampire cat is so last season…

This has been bugging me… How exactly does a vampire drink blood? Yes, yes, I know… fangs pierce skin and arteries, arteries expel blood into vampire’s mouth, vampire is fed and content… Fine. But how?

1.       Are a vampire’s fangs curved?

The simple physiology of a vampire is already difficult enough to wrap a rational mind around. If a vampire, with curved fangs, were to bite into a victim’s throat, would the fangs not cause a large deal of damage AND most likely be in the way of any blood? If the vampire’s fangs are not curved, one still has to consider that the fangs would hinder any decent flow of blood.

2.       Do the vampire’s fangs distend?

Are they always out or do they need to be forced out? The latter sounds painful. I can’t imagine that it wouldn’t be, such action would have to alter the jaw structure to accommodate the regrowth of fangs on a regular basis. And if they do distend rather than being pre-existing, how does this occur? Like a snake’s which folds out? If so, what happens to the teeth that are replaced? If the fangs are an oddity, then surely so would be two weird, hillbilly gaps where one’s eyeteeth should be…

3.       Are a vampire’s fangs hollow?

I have asked this question before and people offered this as a solution – A vampire’s fangs could be hollow like the proboscis of a mosquito. Eeuw. Just eeuw. Although it does make sense, but if they are hollow, where do the hollows open up to? Into a gland? Then we’re back to changing the jaw structure of the vampire. And besides, vampires are always described as appreciating the taste of blood. If the blood is carried straight from a tube in the fangs to a gland in the palette and then into the system, when do they ever get an opportunity to savour the taste?

4.       Do vampires simply bite and release?

Hmm. If this were the case, vampires would be supremely messy, spilling blood all over the victim from an open wound. Can you imagine?

She smells like violets and heat, blended together in an aroma of perfumed hunger. My fangs slip into her throat and in my haste to sample the ambrosia coursing through her, I retreat minutely, desperate to extract my fangs for the taste of her on my tongue. As I release her, the force pulsing through her veins bursts forth and… Oh God! My eye!

5.       Do vampires have fangs at all?


None of these options sounds particularly appealing or logical to me. I am a traditionalist at heart. Vampires must have fangs. Vampires DO NOT use a proboscis or teeth that vaguely resemble a proboscis.

I suppose vampire fangs could distend… They do in True Blood, don’t they? With that eerie, audible click like a snake? But then again the vampires in True Blood also growl and hiss on occasion… I will never understand that. Vampires don’t hiss. Why would they? If anyone can explain this strange ‘hissing vampire’ phenomenon to me I would appreciate it.

Vampires are not cats.

Sometimes I miss reading vampire novels as an amateur vampire enthusiast. It never seemed to matter what the logistics were back then. Vampire bites human. Human bleeds. Happy vampire. I miss that. Anne Rice’s vampires were that simple to understand and I appreciated it. What was inexplicable for whatever reason was left down to mysticism or possible science which has not yet been investigated as no vampire would be stupid enough to allow it to occur. Personally, I don’t put much stock in mysticism. I don’t even like the word. I prefer things that can be explained (to an extent) with some semblance of rationale and the scientific method.

This particular vampire science is somewhat extreme for me, but it does illustrate some of the inherent problems.

But I do have a theory. Perhaps vampires do have curved fangs? And the curvature is there with a purpose, not because it looks awesome. Perhaps the curvature is intended to manipulate flesh and create a pocket where blood will collect and ooze out at a more sedate pace? Thus the vampire is not forced to remove his fangs and can still drink with little to no difficulty, no spillage to sully the meal. The fangs do not need to retract in the same manner in which a cat’s canines do not need to retract… Uh oh… Don’t get any funny ideas…. Vampires are still not cats.

Although, I have been wrong before :/ And according to this guy, I am now: